feelings.

it feels so foreign.. this feeling.
this sadness... this depressing weight upon my being.

its been a long time.. and i feel horrible.
i hate the life i had been living.
i feel fucked up and i have fuckloads of regrets.
of the 26 yrs i have been alive.. most of it was wasted.
i feel unfilial, useless.

dad's birthday just went by. it dawned on me that my parents arent all that young anymore and i aint a kid no more.

i realised how important my family is in my life. i realised that this fairy tale family life is not eternal, and time goes by way too fast when you dont want it to.

it also made me realise how much i want my parents to be happy. i wanna be a better son.
i keep having this aching feeling that i am neglecting my parents.

everytime i think back on those time the family is out together, be it just a meal, shopping or walking around.. i wish those times would never end and that it will go on and on. but we all know how harsh reality is.

i hate reality.

it makes my eyes water, my nose sour up, whenever i think about this.
all i know is, that this family i have is amazing.
and i want my mom and dad to still be my mom and dad, my sisters to still be my sisters, the life after this and on and on.

i love my family.

thanks for giving me the strength to live this life.